Umm I'm too high to move.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
