saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
