Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
