everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
