I just saw a hot homeless man
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
