i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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