I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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