At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
