can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
