i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
