Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
