The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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