Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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