eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
