you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
