I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
