I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
