Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sober January is a disaster.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
