It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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