fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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