david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
