i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
