am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
