My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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