I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
