The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
