I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
