The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
