we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
