My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
