I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
