He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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