Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
