I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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