i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
