He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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