I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
