I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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