I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
