you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's never too late to be topless.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
