his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
