You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
