I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
