I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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