oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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