people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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