it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
