I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
40s are totally the cure
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
