pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
