my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
