forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
