in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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